Ya Gotta Know This About That: Grandma's Rules To The Family at Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Day

From Grandma

Yes it is Thanksgiving Day. The day I have been looking forward to for at least 4 weeks. Yes, it has taken me 4 weeks to clean this dang house so that the family can come in a wreck it within 5 minutes. Those grandkids could actually wreck an iron anvil with a glass hammer as they used to say back in my day...and their parents can also be slouches too sometimes.

This year I'm setting forth some rules. So if you're coming to my house, I only hope you read this long list before you get here. And if you don't like this list, you will get over it.

Grandma's Rules

~~ You will get here on time. Dinner is at 1:00 pm and I sure don't mean 1:30 or 1:45 or even 2:00 as I know sometimes some of you have a tendency to be late as heck.

~~Today is Thanksgiving so bring your best manners. No cussing and no politics talk as I already had to hear enough of that these last few months. Yes they were all turkeys in the running but I've seen a lot of turkey politicians in my day and I sure don't want to listen to a bunch of turkey in the straw talk today.

~~When you get here, hang up your coat instead of throwing it on the foyer rose colored settee bench. That bench isn't a dang coat hanger. It takes all of 5 more seconds to reach into the hall closet and hang that coat up. I will appreciate it and so will my bench so it doesn't have to be saggy from the weight of coats.

~~Remember your dish is to be already cooked and done when you get here. You all make more money than I do on Social Security so how dare think you will waste my electricity cooking in my oven or using my power to spin the beaters on the mixer. Do it at home and you pay for it. This dinner has already cost me 47% of this month's Social Security check. And if this keeps up, I will be living at your house using your electricity.

~~ Since the last time we all had dinner, three plates and four glasses were broken and three pieces of my best silverware went into the garbage, I have decided that this year the color of Thanksgiving is yellow....yellow paper plates, yellow paper cups and yellow plastic silverware. I know none of you like picnic style eating but because my nice china and good silverware doesn't seem to count, get over it.

~~Speaking of dishes to bring, if I see one more dish of scalloped corn, I will just puke. I hate scalloped corn with grease on the top, just waiting to give me another heart attack. You will just have to wait for your inheritance this year as my untimely death won't be due to having another bowl of scalloped corn come through the door. Seriously, is this all you can cook?

~~You all know I cook with very little salt. I have for years. If you don't like my food, get over it. Put on your own dang salt and then you can pass over from too much sodium. I've lived a long time without it. We are going to be healthy this year. My food tastes good to me, so don't tell me it doesn't.

~~There won't be football during the meal. And none of those DS's or whatever those little hand-held electronic thingies are called. The pilgrims didn't have television and a bunch of electronic widgets so why should we have them during our meal?!

~~ Soda pop will be poured from 2 liter bottles and I might add....do not open a new 2 liter bottle until the first one is empty. At the last family get-together, I poured out many almost full soda pop cans, which I might add, were left sitting around and not disposed of. So you are punished. No cans. Soda pop goes in plastic glasses with your name marked on the side. The big felt marker will be on the table near the 2 liter bottles.

~~To the parents. If you want me to watch your kids on Thanksgiving Day, there will be a baby-sitting fee of $5.00 per kid per hour. If you prefer to not have me watch them and make them mind, I suggest that you take over my duties and I will sit back with my feet up like you usually do. I raised you and I'm not raising your kids so take heed on my special day.

~~ Lastly, if this wonderful Thanksgiving Day goes according to the rules, it will guarantee that your Christmas stocking will be full of good tidings and joy and maybe even a bit of moolah (part of the inheritance mind you). If you don't make it here or make it late, or don't abide by the rules, the stocking could be pretty flat or might even contain those same pieces of coal you used to get as children.

In honor of my dearly departed mother and father, I have made fudge and cookies. They loved them and so do I. Eat hearty but leave me at least a cookie or two for next week's dessert. It may be all I have to eat since my Social Security check will be in your belly this month.

Love,

Your Crotchety Old Grandma